I used to want to change for the better, for you. I used to want to be my best self, for you. Because I knew that you were good and I wasn’t good enough. And when good and not good enough meets, they don’t match. That’s why I wanted to be good enough for you. I changed myself, I told myself and forced myself to be better, for you. So that you would love me back.
Once I’ve reached good enough, I thought that you would love me back. Or even take a quick glance at me, but you never did. I was the book on your nightstand that wasn’t interesting enough for you to read. You were about to read me several times, and that gave me hope. But once something more interesting comes along you drop me back at your nightstand and let me watch you read other books. That little hope, that is what broke me. That tiny hope that I always have when I was about to leave you, that is what shattered me over and over again.
You never loved me back, because I was never good enough for you. Or at least in your eyes. I always thought that one day you might feel the same way about me, but may be that would be in another lifetime.
But that’s okay. I’m okay. Or at least I will be. I’ve learned that if something is going to happen, then it will and if we’re meant to be then our paths will cross again. I love you, I always will, even if you don’t.
What is this feeling?
It is a neverending feeling. There’s nothing you can do to stop it. No distractions, no stop button and no escape. The feeling is odd, something that I have never felt before. It is an immense sadness that is in the pit of your stomach. You feel your heart beating against your chest, feel your stomach twist as it numbs the hunger, and you feel your mind shutting down and not wanting to get up in the morning. Your whole body aches and the feeling has taken over it. Helpless is all you feel, you want this feeling to go away but on the other hand you feel some kind of satisfaction, like you deserved this. You can laugh, you can smile and you can feel happy but the feeling is still there, the sadness is still there, reminding you of its presence. Your heart becomes heavy, your head just wants to rest and your body won’t move. You don’t only feel this when you’re alone, you feel this too when you’re surrounded by people. I don’t know what this feeling is, I have never felt this before. I want it to stop, but I don’t know how. I want to feel genuine happiness, laughter and warmth. Was it the guilt feeling from when you failed the people you love, that cause this? Or was it from loving someone that doesn’t love you back? Or was it from the fear of losing everyone that is important to you and there is nothing you can do about it? What has caused it, I don’t know, but I know that I want it to stop.
